10.3.19 Lost in Hermitsville. (Journal)

Hey, universe. Just an update.

(I’m pissed at you, by the way. I told a co-worker earlier… “The Universe is on my shit list! I don’t like how it’s behaving and it can go screw itself!”

So.. since Dad died… I’ve noticed that I’ve been withdrawing from society and I’ve begun to slowly seperate myself from people, including family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. I find that I’m existing, merely existing… and I say this with baited breath because I’ve been here before and I know it will pass. I guess this is part of the grieving process? I have no idea. But yeah, people get on my nerves alot these days.

All I know is that I miss Dad… every single day… and I give, give, give 100% of the time at work, smile with clients, assist them, help families, and I’m such a servant leader that by the time I get home, I completely “peopled out” and I don’t wanna be around anyone but myself and my pets. Is that so wrong?

While I’m busy being a hermit and in hiding in my private life, I’m still making myself go workout at the gym for an hour each day, or do some kind of physical activity (especially on the weekends) like hiking or walking, bicycling, etc. So I’m still getting my fitness in, but I’m still just sick of people, for the most part, and don’t have time for their bullshit.

At times like this, I feel like I’m becoming my Father. (Becoming? I probably already am.) Growing up, I was sad for him because he and Mom didn’t have many friends outside of family and the scant super cool co-worker who we might see once in a while. The thing my parents had going for them though was each other. I don’t have anyone, bar from my pets, that I feel most comfortable being around right now. Is that wrong? I think.. yes and no. While I do have the emotional awareness to realize this could potentially become a negative behavior (I’m in grad school to become a mental health counselor, so yes, I can see these things in myself and have plenty of self-awareness!)

Most days… I just want to be left alone. I don’t feel the urge or need to be around others right now. I’m just surviving and processing, still… Some days, I find I’m walking around like a zombie and thinking alot about aging… looking at my grey beard hairs coming in here and there, and scowling internally when I see my more pronounced crow’s feet around my eyes, or the stomach or bathroom problems that have plagued me as of late, and the throbbing numb legs because of inherited bad circulation in my legs and some other health concerns. I’m definitely getting older, and wiser, and learning more about how I work and how I can integrate (or not) with the world.

I’ve also been spent many nights doing my grad homework and walking the dogs, whilst taking ‘night mode’ shots with my iPhone 11 (see the featured pic for an example from yesterday; I also have an iPhone 11 (from the perspective of an iPhone XR user) review coming soon! As soon as I find the free time to finish it, that is, and want to finish it. But it’s coming… soonish.)

Right now, I don’t want to worry about anyone other than myself and my pets, and my immediate family. Is that so wrong? For now, the answer is no.
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Photo was taken by Brian Bolding (me) on 10.1.19 and is entitled “Embrace of Night.”

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