11.15.18 The Holidays Loom & My Nanny (Journal)

So it’s 10:00 pm on a Thursday night and I just realized… Thanksgiving and Christmas is literally right around the corner. In less than like a week, it’ll be Thanksgiving. I honestly can’t believe that. Every year, right after Halloween, I always freak out because as soon as you’ve got one good week under your belt, Thanksgiving is next Thursday. Yikes…

Sadly, I learned about a week ago that my Grandmother (who we call “Nanny”, her actual name is Ruth), who is in her mid 80’s, suffered a stroke while sleeping and came down with Cerebrovascular disease and vascular dementia. She basically isn’t getting good blood flow to her brain. She had already been bed-ridden for the better part of the past 6 months. I saw her in September when I last visited ‘home’ (near Fort Worth, TX), and she was indeed bloated and had slurred speech. It was so sad to see her that way, and now, it seems that she may be losing her grasp on life. My cousins also found out that she had an order to resist being put on life support were she ever in this condition. Her husband, my grandfather (not by blood but he’s a wonderful man) “Tuffy”, is by her side like she was by his side since the 70’s. It’s breaking my heart but she will be going very soon. I got to talk to her the other day when my Sis Nickie and I decided to call her seperately with Mom there and just speak to her and tell her we loved her and to hang on, that she was in our prayers and we would be there soon. We both heard her mumble but felt she understood what we were saying and that we were keeping her in our heart and in our prayers. My family is obviously devastated as Nanny is the heart of my Mom’s side of the family.

This brings me to the question, of course.. when to go down for the holidays. My Grandma is on her deathbed so I have been giving myself guilt about this alot the past few days. For starters, I would love to go down to see her, but will she even know I’m there? Will she be in the process of dying and not want to see anyone? Will it be a string of sad endless moments that I can’t control and that might end up being a waiting game for her to let go? All I know is I want to be there for my parents (they just celebrated their 48th anniversary earlier today.) I want to see my Sis Kristie and her son Damian (my gorgeous nephew) and let them know I love them and they’re the light of my life. And I want to see my Grandma. Obviously Thanksgiving is cancelled, but I want to see her one last time, to let her know I truly appreciate her strength and hard-work over the years to keep us all clothed and fed and loved.

I’ll miss you, Grandma. I’m thankful this year that you were such a big part of my life and I learned so much from you. Most of all, thank you for giving us the gift of my Mom Janette, who is the kindest, most loving and patient soul I’ve ever had the pleasure to call my Mom.

This year, I’m filled with gratefulness, family bonds and love.

xx

B

 

 

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